Things that make me curse

Moving to Manchester has offered a unique learning opportunity, not just a Masters degree in ICT4D, but also lessons in how British businesses are conducted. I am fine-tuning a valuable managerial skill-set in British business strategy, which I will offer as a consultant to anyone in North America looking to gain the British edge. Here are some pointers…

1. If your customer poses any problem that requires you assist them, for instance they did not get their package, they want to purchase your service or just a general inquiry you can do any, or all, of the following things:

1. If they call you make them wait on hold for 1 hour (if they are on a mobile phone it will be much more effective)
2. If they are stupid enough to wait on hold get them to talk to a complete moron with no training. Have that idiot hang up on them ‘by accident’. The trick is to let the employees get away with it so there is no possible recourse within the company. The customer can just call back and have the same thing happen four times (see a for what will happen to that customer).
3. Demand that the customer have a UK visa card and say that ‘International Cards just don’t work’. Claim that nothing can be done without a UK credit card. Tell the customers that those commercials claiming that “Visa is accepted everywhere” are actually false; everywhere except England.

2. If a customer wants to purchase your product:

1. Get them to help themselves as much as possible. From a business perspective this is easier and cheaper. In a restaurant for instance: make the customer find their own seat and menu, then have them seek you out to make their order and demand that they know their own table number. Unfortunately this will not get your staff any tips, but who gives a shit anyway, not your problem.
2. Make the process as difficult as possible. If it’s a bank account they are seeking, make it a four-step process that takes 12 business days to complete. Then make whatever demand you wish of them like “you must deposit 2000 pounds to open your account”. When the customer says that they need their account to conduct other business refer them to #1 above.
3. If possible, make them wait in a long line. The longer the better, then when they are close threaten to close the store so they feel like you are doing them a favour by actually selling them anything.
4. Appear to make it look simple by promising to deliver their purchase to their house. Take their money and then don’t deliver it.

3. Sales tactic: Make your services and products as complicated as possible. Confuse your customer so much that when they hear the word ‘Simplicity’ they whip out their cards to make a purchase (just make sure it’s a UK card).
These tactics appear to be quite effective so long as all companies engage in them; having a monopoly helps (BT). This way, customers come to expect it and rarely question your tactics. They will simply claim that it’s just the way things are done.